March 1, 2010

I watched Twilight in theaters and came out into the sunlight staggered. I felt changed somehow deep down. It was more than just a beautiful story. More than an artistic piece of filmmaking. More than a movie to me. I didn’t know why at that point. I knew that I connected to the story, the characters, the emotion. I knew that there was something in there that spoke to me, that affected me. But I didn’t know what it was.

It’s almost a year and a half later. The second movie came out. It was just a movie, a story. It didn’t touch me in the same way as Twilight. I’ve seen Twilight a dozen times and it resounds in me each time. I am affected anew. But still I didn’t know why, beyond the surface facts. That I am a sucker for a idealistic romance with star-crossed soulmates. That Bella reminds me of me in that doesn’t-quite-fit way of hers.

It was only tonight, while watching a fan video for Dawson’s Creek set to the music “Collide”, after having just recently finished rereading Twilight, that the why of Twilight hit me.

What Bella felt for Edward, the powerful, helpless, beyond her control love of him that swept her into a totally new, sometimes frightening, foreign world. That overwhelming and incomprehensible feeling that he actually loved her back. The permeating sense of just-won-the-lottery luck and gratitude towards the fates that brought him to her and allowed her to be part of his world. The expansiveness of giddiness and hope that leads to laying out a bright and shiny future for them together. While the whole thing is underlaid quietly and in the darkest part of the night with the desperation that it is all much too good to be true.

The demanding hope for forever and the utter terror that it will all be taken from you.

I remember those feelings. All of them. Exactly as they open out for Bella. This is why Twilight echoes such a perfect note inside of my soul. Because Bella’s heart was mine.

Much time has passed since that all-encompassing star-crossed love in my life. I don’t know the end of the story for Bella and Edward, and I don’t know the end for me. But I remember the alternating numbness and agonizing sharpness of the pain after I lost that bigger than life, too perfect love. It was not something that I rebounded from quickly- or really, at all. It came and went in waves for years. I merely lived through it. To finally reach the point where there is neither numbness or pain in looking back. Only fond memories of a beautiful time when life opened up in unimaginable ways. But watching Twilight I remember the intenseness, the brilliance and clarity that loving like that brought to every moment, word, interaction, and thought.

Twilight will always affect me. Because she affected me in ways that are immeasurable, incredible, and everlasting.

Take Care,

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